Recap...

It has been a roller coaster of a year for me. I had hoped to make amends with my son but that never happened as he is stubborn and still will not talk to me. I gained a job  and lost a job. Changed where i live yet again but I am happier here. 

I saw my family through another great flood on the Mississippi river and saw the strength of my own daughter to face a disaster and come out the other side happy. I saw my own dreams dashed and then rebuilt in another direction. I have been insulted by a person that was suppose to be my friend. Made her also see by the way of others that her logic was very flawed indeed. 

I have found out over this past year who my truest friends are and who is not. I have found that is possible to be friends with your husband at 1000 miles distance. I have found that I have strength I never knew was there and that it is okay to be afraid of the unknown so long as that fear doesn't stop me from seeking what i want. 

I have been reminded that people indeed can be very two faced and treat you one way to your face while talking crap behind your back. As in the case of Sonia's father-in-law when he is all sorry to my face that I lost my job, then asks her what I did wrong to be fired. When in fact i did nothing wrong.

I have come to the realization that I am a very cynical person. I am not an unhappy person as I have said before I live, love, and laugh a lot. It is just that I see people  and the world in a very cynical way. I don't trust most people and a great deal of them really annoy me. Most humans are like sheep and believe everything they are spoon fed by the media and the government and never think for themselves. I have come to the conculsion that I can live my life like this so long as i do not become bitter. 

These are some of the things I have learned over the past year. I am sure there is more but I really don't want to write a book. 

The Best...

Another good writing prompt from the One-Minute Writer.

I have a great love for children and animals but since I can pick only one I think animal rescue. Right now I am going to school for a bachelors degree and once I am finished and I find good employment I plan on helping with animal rescue. 

My dream would be to be the best at finding solutions to stray animals. To give them shelter and not have to fear them being put to sleep. To help find even better ways to help pet owners get help with spaying, nuetering, and for those without much income help with pet vet bills. 

I would also like to have the best shelter ever. That would not turn away animals or have to charge fees to take them in. Children and animals should never be thrown away. 

Argument...

I love the One-Minute Writer C. Beth you have a way of making me think. 

I think the argument that stands out in my mind the most took place a little over a year ago. It was in October and I had just lost my job. I had called my friend Sonia to let her know I was losing my apartment and to just have someone to talk too. She had asked me what I was going to do and I told her I didn't know but I would work something out. We talked for awhile and then I told her I had to go so I could start getting things in order. 

A little while later my phone rings and it is Sonia. She says you are moving in with us. I told her no I didn't think it was a good idea. She was like no really it is okay dad and Billy (her husband) are fine with it. I was relieved that I had a place to go. I hung up from talking to her and continued packing.  

Now jump to the day. Sonia calls me and says you can't move in. I was shocked and asked her why what happened? She said she had done a lot of thinking and she didn't want me to live there. To say I was upset is an understatement, I mean how can someone give another person hope then snatch it away like that? We had more than a few words and they were heated, very heated. I reminded her that I hadn't asked her for her help and I had in fact told her i would deal with it myself. She had offered and then took it back. I finally hung up on her and would not answer the phone. She came to my apartment and beat on the door and for a long time i wouldn't let her in. 

Eventually I did let her in and we did talk and i did move in with them (which I eventually wished I hadn't). The argument bit deep into our friendship because I lost my trust in her. We joke about it now but both of us know that damage was done.  She knows that I no longer trust what she tells me. I have always told her and others be careful what you say to others because once it is out of your mouth it can never be taken back.  You can say you are sorry and if you mean that is good, but that doesn't erase what was said.  Words can cut the soul like a knife....

Biography...

I am a little behind on the One-Minute Writer thanks to a nasty stomach bug.  

So if I wrote a biography who would I write it about and why? Several people come to mind but I think i would have too choose my mother. She wasn't always the best mother but looking back now I believe she did the best that she could in a bad situation. As for why? Because I feel she deserves it if I were talented enough to do that. 

She grew up during the great depression and wasn't given many of the choices in life that women are today. She was forced to quit school in the 6th grade in order to work to help her family that were struggling share croppers. She worked in a chicken hatchery for .50 cents an hour and for a woman with no education to speak of that was good wages then. 

It must have been hard for my mom because she was an intelligent woman in many ways. She loved to read and in her own way she continued to learn what she could throughout her life.  She enured two abusive marriages that produced four children. My brother from her first marriage was raised by our grandparents, my oldest sister was in an institution for the mentally retarded because her temper was violent and my mom was afraid she would hurt me and my other sister. 

So me and my next to the oldest sister was raised in a house that was in constant turmoil and at times very abusive. As we got older my mom turned more and more to alcohol to dull her pain and escape a reality that she felt she could never change. That left me and my sister to pretty much fend for ourselves. For awhile I followed my mothers ways of drowning myself in alcohol with a few drugs mixed in. My sister was pregnant at age 15 and then me at age 17. 

At times I think I hated my mother I always felt that she was only concerned with herself but as I look back now I see a woman who had lost all hope. She felt she was stuck in a marriage and a life that she never wanted. Her life was defined by someone other than her and she felt she had always been living a lie but no longer new the truth of who she was. I know she loved us but she just didn't always know how to show it. 

My mom died July 23 1986 just five days short 54 th birthday from complications from Cushings disease. This is to you Momma I love you. 

Why Is It So Hard....

I left my husband two years ago and ever since then people have been trying to get me to find another man. I keep telling them I don't want another man.  They look at me like I am crazy. 

I have had friends tell me "Oh you will never be complete unless you have a man." I am only half a human with out a man or what? Some have said "You won't be happy without someone to share your life with." I have plenty of people to share my life with and I am happy but they never believe it.  Why is it so hard to believe that a person can be happy without a "mate". 

Yes sometimes I miss companionship but not enough to run out looking for a man. I have been married twice and both were abusive and so I just don't want a relationship anymore. Now I know all men are not like that and yes I know there are some really good men out there. However it boils down too 1) I just plain don't want a relationship, and 2) I really don't trust my judgement of men anymore. 

I have found that I do in fact like answering only to myself over how my money is spent. If I want to go to a friends and spend all day there I don't have to worry about someone getting mad at me for it.  If I want to buy something I don't have to ask permission to do so. 

On a deeper level though I don't want someone saying they love me for who i am then spend the next twenty years changing me into something else. I have had enough black eyes, broken ribs, and humiliation to last me a lifetime. Again they say not all men are like that and I agree they aren't but unless I can be given a solid proof the next one won't hurt me then the answer is still no. 

Weather....

Another prompt from the One-Minute Writer. 

The weather here is icky. It isn't cold but it is dull drab and miserable type of weather. it is wet without raining.  Everything is damp and soggy even the concrete is sweating out water.

It is one of those days where you just don't have any motivation. Where you feel tired for no good reason. However I must find morivation somewhere since I have a party to go to later today. 

Wet and Drippy....

That is what it is like outside and miserable. It is that fine mist that makes you feel chilled even though it is not really cold. Makes me want to be back under my nice warm comforter and sleep more. 

So this is what I call a lazy day. I don't feel like doing anything doesn't mean I won't just means I don't want too. I have to call the Art Institute today an order my books. Now it is starting to feel a little more real and a little more scary. 

I have random thoughts going through my head of things like what if I am dumber than I thought? I am asking too much of myself to try to get a bachelors degree at my age? Everyone of course tells me no I am not too old and bless them for that. However by the time I finish this degree I will be in my early 50's. Ah what a time to embark on my first career but I guess better late than never.....right?

Other people said I should go into the health field and not that I do not feel compassion for the sick and injured. I just couldn't do that kind of work and though I am not phobic about getting sick I just prefer to stay clear of contagious people. I spent too many years with my own kids giving me everything from colds to the flu and beyond. 

Some said beauty school and while I don't mind dying my hair and my friends hair.  I can't see myself up to my elbows in chemicals all day every day. So I chose something I knew I would enjoy and that I could do from home. Interactive media and graphic design I have designed a few sites in the past and really enjoyed it. So I figured I should get a degree and hopefully in a few short years be working for myself. 

That is the plan but stay tuned for further developments.....

My Friend....

He loves making fun of my short comings it is not mean or done to hurt. He just makes me laugh about them. Like I have really bad eyes (so any typos in my blogs that would be why) and I am slowly going blind. I where special glasses to slow the progress. My depth preception is bad with my glasses and horrid without them. I walk into walls, and chairs, and trip over things all the time. So he always introduces me as the blind lady. 

Then there is the fact that I am bi-polar and have ADD and it is like the what the hell wasn't one bad enough. So he will call me a yo-yo that can't pull herself to the top of the string. The funniest part is he has ADD as well. So one day we are sitting on the patio and talking about something and right in mis sentence he says "Oh look a bird!" I laughed so hard I couldn't breath. 

People should learn to find humor in even these things. I would much rather laugh than cry and I would much rather see my friends being who they are around me than pussy footing around trying not to hurt my feelings.  My friend Sonia and her husband when they found out I was going blind they went to one of those quarter machines and bought me a set of those wiggly eyes as replacements. Then I got to looking at them and one has an air bubble right over the pupil. I said oh my God if you were going to buy me replacements you could have bought ones without the cataract. She looked at me and without skipping a beat said well they did only cost a quarter. 

So learn to laugh about your imprefections they are what makes you uniquely you. 

Influence....

I can think of two people that have been the biggest influence in my life. One in the distant past and one in the immediate present. Well actually there are three though I already touched on one of them so I will go with two others. 

My Uncle Joe I wish I had a picture of him to show you. But sadly he passed away when I was still pretty young. He was my refuge as a child he showed me that not all men are mean and hateful. He would hold me on his lap and comfort me while my parents fought with each other. He showed me the wonders of nature. 

I always knew that I could go to him no matter what and he would do his best to fix it. I remember one summer day we were at his camp. I had been playing down by the creek and I ran up all excited and went to sit on my dads lap. My dad shoved me off his lap and told me I was too damn big to sit on his lap (I was 7 years old). My uncle Joe picked me up, dusted me off, dried my tears and told me i would never be too big to sit on his lap.  He was the dad i wanted. 

I have through out my life tried to practice his kindness and compassion. 

The second person in my life is my friend Sonia. Although her influence hasn't always been as positive.  I met her through my friend Spoof and though I love her and she will always be my friend I have to hold back with her. She has infuenced my level of comfort in a close female friend. 

I use to feel I could tell her anything in confidence but soon found otherwise when she told her husband who in turn the person I didn't want to know. She has also shown me that there are many motives why a friend would be helpful to another. You see I have always that helping others should come from the heart and that you should never expect to be paid back. If you expect payment then it is not kindness it is business.  I believe that if you are kind for the right reasons then that kindness will be returned too you. 

She has helped me twice in very big ways but I will never allow her too again.  It was so much the monetary payment that bothered me because once on my feet I did my best to help out. No it was her attitude that I owed her big time. She lied too me on more than one occasion and at times treated me pretty bad.  She even told me once that she helped me only because it was the right Christian thing to do. I don't think God intended it to be that way I think he meant you should do it from the heart because you feel compassion, and because you care. If the care isn't there then it to me it is no good. If you make the person feel horrible because you are helping them then it means even less. 

She has gotten upset because I help my friend Spoof and his wife out far more than I did her. She still doesn't get it though that in this life you get what you give. My friend and his wife have taken me into their home, into their family, and into their hearts. They haven't once made me feel like a burden, or that I am in their way. 

What my friend Sonia failed to understand is that it is hard to live somewhere you feel you aren't wanted. That was the purpose of me moving 1000 miles from home was to get away from a life like that. 

Angel...

I wrote this poem for my friend. He never said too much about it but I know it touched him to some degree. It was the best way at that time to espress what I felt. 

With a razor to my wrist
My heart beating with a twist
The blade sliding across my skin
Blood red and sliver thin
Tears flowing like icy rain
Wanting only to stop my pain
It was just a simple sound
But in that moment brought me around
Looking through fractured sight
It was an angel I saw that night
In order for him to reach his goal
He extended his hand and touched my soul
Then a promise he made me say
That in this world I would stay

Thank You Note...

I went back a couple of weeks into the One-Minute Writer and found a prompt that sent my mind into a flurry of activity. The above title is the prompt. 

The question you must ask yourself I think is you were to write a thank you note to just one person who would it be? I did not have to search long and hard for my answer. Not that there hasn't been several people past and present that have helped me however one of them saved my life.  So here goes my thank you note. 

Dear Spoof,

It is so hard to believe that our friendship started online in a game. It seems forever ago and yet like just yesterday as well. I write this to thank you and I know the smartass you would say for what? 

It is hard to know where to start but for being there all those times when I desperately needed someone to talk too. To make me laugh through my tears and black eyes. To give a ray of sunshine and hope through the dark well I was in. For talking to me while I was waiting for my sleeping pills to kick in so I could sleep and not wake up screaming. 

However what I want to thank you the most for is that fateful afternoon when I cut my wrist and you messaged me on msn.  For not taking my answer of nothing is wrong. For caring enough to presist and then caring enough to make me stop before there was no turning back.  For telling me that if I was going to die then I owed you one last chat. I still remember that I chuckled and shook my head at your nerve for saying it. 

From there you proceeded to beg, argue, reason, and give me every reason you could think of that I should live and I remember that I shot them all down. Well until you said the one thing that stopped me in my tracks you said something to me that no one else ever had. You said to me that I was selfish that all I was concerned with was my own pain and ending it.  You said to me what about the pain I would cause others? I remember that I said that no one there really cared if I died or not. Then you responded what about me? Doesn't what I feel matter to you at all?  Doesn't it matter to you that if you die I will feel pain at the loss of a friend?  I have to admit I was shocked, I was awed and I was alive for the first time in years. 

You told me that day that I could always come to you whenever I needed someone to talk too. That no matter what was bothering me that you would help me. You have never let me down not once. You took me into your home, and into your family. I call this a thank you note but how can you ever truly thank anyone that has given you back your life? 

Nuts...

I follow a blog called the One-Minute Writer. She gives new word prompt everyday for you to write about for of course one minute. Todays word happens to be nuts. 

How am I nuts? Well I would start with the fact that I uprooted myself from husband, family, and so called friends and moved myself to South-East Texas near San Antonio. Most thought I was nuts but I really don't think I was. However they could be a little right but then who isn't these days...a little nuts that is. 

How else am I nuts well I seem to be a kid stuck in this middle aged fluffy body (fat but fluffy sounds cuter). I have heard so many people say act your age (46). My question is how is that suppose to be? Should I be in a rocking chair, grouching at everyone and never smiling or having fun? I would think not and if that would acting my age then please no thank you. 

I do actually find humor in things that others seem to be oblivious like this picture of a cat that I posted with tis entry. Some think it is mean and degrading. Well maybe to a degree but you know there are a lot of people out there that fit the bill. 

People think I am nuts because I talk different than they do, but then I think they are nuts because they think I am. Nuts is really just a way of saying a person likes to have fun and really doesn't care who likes it. That would probably sum me up pretty well.  

Not sure if that was a full minute but I gave it a shot. 

We Call Her Emma....

This is the little dog. We take her to the shelter later today and thank god it is a no kill shelter. Hopefully in the little time I have spent with her I have shown her that not all humans are mean and cruel.

Stray Dogs....

Today I found a little dog she is sweet and lovable yet someone threw her away. After inspecting her I noticed that she has been a mother. I hope her little ones ended up with a better fate than their mother was dealt. I would keep her if I could but my roommates  say we cannot afford too so in the morning she goes to a shelter and hopefully from there to a family that deserves her love. 

As I sit here and type this she sleeps in the backyard with eyes and heart so full of hope that it hurts to look at her but then I can't help it because she desrves to be loved. 

I have never understood how some people can be so damned heartless how they can take a living thing and throw it out as if it is just another piece of trash. Maybe I feel compassion because I have been treated the same at some point in my life. 

So little pumpkin this is for you and I hope for only the best in your future. 

Memory....

This is a picture from a place I was a frequent visitor too back home in Illinois. The memories I have of this place are for the most part peaceful. Back a little ways from the walk way stand a huge oak tree and I love this tree because it has so much personality. It has a nose and  you can almost see a face as well. 

I use to go there in the winter and take pictures of the icicles that formed on the face of the limestone cliffs across the road. I still remember one day i went there excited to get more pictures because the spring thaw was coming and soon they would all come crashing down.  Not paying much attention to where I was walking I stepped ankle deep in near freezing water. It was shocking to say the least but I figured well my feet are wet now so I might as well finish. 

By the time I finished I could barely feel my feet at all and it was a good thing I hadn't drove myself there. The pain of my thawing feet was worth it though when I uploaded the pictures I had taken they were some of the best. 

Maybe I will have to find those pics again and uplaod them here. 

What Is It About Me....

I don't understand how I seem to get on peoples nerves so much sometimes. I try to stay out of their way unless they ask me to join them. I try not to invade their space when I am here and they are too. Yet it never seems to fail that I eventually end up getting yelled at. 

The worst part is when it happens I am usually not even aware of why or what I did too deserve it. Am I really that stupid? Sure makes me wonder sometimes. Then I sit in my room and cry like a fool. 

I hate being yelled at more than anything in the world. I spent most of my life being yelled at by family. It makes me feel worthless and unwanted. Then again what is new there. 

A Step Forward....

Yesterday my cell phone rang and I looked at the number and almost didn't answer it. I didn't rcognize the number and firgured it was a telemarketer. However for some random reason I flipped my phone open and said hello. 

The lady on the other end asked for me and I said you got her. She then identified herself and said she was calling on behalf of the Art Institute of Pittsburg that they had gotten my name from a place that I had signed up looking for work. My initial thoughts went along the lines of I don't have time for this, I need work more than education, big one was I cannot afford this, etc. 

She was nice though and listened to me concerns and fears. She eased them and we talked for over 3 hours on the phone. We got most of the  work done and I will hopefully be starting my fist classes towards a bachelors degree on Jan 12. 

It is still a little scary for many reasons but I think I can do this. I want this very much and i chose a field that I know i would enjoy. Since my rear is in front of this computer more than anywhere else and I love graphics and I love games it wasn't hard to choose. So I went with interactive media and graphic design. 

I mean seriously the internet is not going anywhere. It is global at it's finest and so there will always be a demand for graphic design and interactive media.  So I figure if i am gonna be sitting her anyway i might as well make money doing it. 

So if you read this blog wish me luck as I am gonna need it. 

Learning A New Language...

A friend of mine convinced me I needed to learn his language. He speaks Dutch and I wondered how hard could this be? So I looked around and found some free software to help me out. 

I have come to realize that the sound they make in their throat is harder than it seems. I sound like a cat with a hair ball stuck in it's throat. Mind you I have only been at this for a day but the results are pretty funny. I will actually be amazed if I can master this. 

I also want to learn Spanish because I live in a largely Hispanic area and that would help me find better work if I could speak it.  

Still it will be interesting for me to see how fast I can learn this and if I can master that sound. 

Dreams....

My dreams lately have been so weird. Well I never had so called normal dreams but these are just weirder than normal for me. 

They have been a mixture of my life here, my life in Illinois and my life as a child and young adult. I usually wake up confused and out of sorts. I don't know what my mind is trying to tell me at all. They say that at least in part your dreams are influenced by your day to day life. Some say it is your subconcious trying to tell you something. If the latter is true I really wish it would make things a little clearer because I haven't a clue. 

It has always unsettled me to dream about people I know. I am not sure why that is but it is the way I have felt ever since i can remember. In my dreams i am usually searching for something though I don't know what. In all the years that I have had where I actually paid attention to my dreams I have never found it that I know of because every dream I am still searching. 

Slump....

I think I have realized why i am so tired lately. I am in a slump dumb as that sounds. I have been out of work for four months and it is wearing on me. The bad thing is that things on the job market are not getting any better. 

Then my van broke down and for me it is beyond repair because i simply cannot afford it. So what do I do with this two ton hunk of now junk? I have no clue at all as scrap prices are down as well. My friend S says I need to find another car and I tell her I can't afford it. She is like yes but you need one. *Sigh* I tell her i know this but I can't buy what I don't have he money for. 

My emergency unemployment will run out in Jan and then what? There just aren't any jobs. Until the van died I could have went back to Illinois (even though that is the last thing I want too do). I don't know but it just seems that no matter how hard i try it is never enough. 

Someone told me once that the only way you fail is if you never try. Well I don't know if that is true because I feel like a failure. I have lived here for two years and I am still not able to take care of myself. I am sure my friends have had to ask themselves many times times why they asked me to come here in the first place. 

They tell me I am no burden, but I feel that I am. I do my best to help out but I feel like I never do enough. However I still laugh and smile. I joke around and try not to let them see the fear and doubt I have. 

Hello...

This blog will be full of my ramblings about my life. It might be interesting to some and maybe not so interesting who really knows. 

I am 46 years old I live outside of San Antonio Texas. I am not a native Texan but I do love it here. My home state is Illinois and is where most of my family resides still. I moved here for many reasons and I have yet to regret that move. My life in Illinois was at a stand still, I was surrounded by people and yet was really all alone. 

My children were pretty angry at my move and even after two years my son refuses to talk to me. However he is a grown man and it is his choice. He lives his life as he sees fit without allowing others to tell him what to do and at 46 I think I can do the same. My daughter has come to terms, not that she likes me being gone but she knows at least that it is my life.

I left my husband of nearly 20 years packed my bags and left. It had not been a healthy or good relationship for many years. Everyone said my leaving was so sudden and that I never gave any indication anything was wrong. Now I know better because there was little doubt that I was unhappy and had been for a long time. However they just never paid attention. 

I do sometimes miss home, the smells and the river. I miss cold days sitting looking out the window at snow covered fields while sipping hot cocoa. I miss the festivals they have there and walking along the river finding bits of driftwood, or smooth stones. I do miss the sound of thousands of chimes when the river thaws and breaks the ice up into small pieces making a tinkling sound as small waves move them back and forth. I miss seeing the bald eagles soaring high above the lock and dam; then diving fast and low to capture a fish.

I don't miss the humidity especially in the summer; but i do miss the thunderstorms from there. They were more sudden, more dramatic. I also really miss knowing what way North is lol. I am so lost here most of the time. 

However Texas does has it's charms. I have met a lot of really nice people here and there is one thing I never liked in Illinois the people there are so rude.  It is as if up there they were never taught manners. Now don't get me wrong i have met rude people here too but not as many as in Illinois.