Recap...

It has been a roller coaster of a year for me. I had hoped to make amends with my son but that never happened as he is stubborn and still will not talk to me. I gained a job  and lost a job. Changed where i live yet again but I am happier here. 

I saw my family through another great flood on the Mississippi river and saw the strength of my own daughter to face a disaster and come out the other side happy. I saw my own dreams dashed and then rebuilt in another direction. I have been insulted by a person that was suppose to be my friend. Made her also see by the way of others that her logic was very flawed indeed. 

I have found out over this past year who my truest friends are and who is not. I have found that is possible to be friends with your husband at 1000 miles distance. I have found that I have strength I never knew was there and that it is okay to be afraid of the unknown so long as that fear doesn't stop me from seeking what i want. 

I have been reminded that people indeed can be very two faced and treat you one way to your face while talking crap behind your back. As in the case of Sonia's father-in-law when he is all sorry to my face that I lost my job, then asks her what I did wrong to be fired. When in fact i did nothing wrong.

I have come to the realization that I am a very cynical person. I am not an unhappy person as I have said before I live, love, and laugh a lot. It is just that I see people  and the world in a very cynical way. I don't trust most people and a great deal of them really annoy me. Most humans are like sheep and believe everything they are spoon fed by the media and the government and never think for themselves. I have come to the conculsion that I can live my life like this so long as i do not become bitter. 

These are some of the things I have learned over the past year. I am sure there is more but I really don't want to write a book. 

The Best...

Another good writing prompt from the One-Minute Writer.

I have a great love for children and animals but since I can pick only one I think animal rescue. Right now I am going to school for a bachelors degree and once I am finished and I find good employment I plan on helping with animal rescue. 

My dream would be to be the best at finding solutions to stray animals. To give them shelter and not have to fear them being put to sleep. To help find even better ways to help pet owners get help with spaying, nuetering, and for those without much income help with pet vet bills. 

I would also like to have the best shelter ever. That would not turn away animals or have to charge fees to take them in. Children and animals should never be thrown away. 

Argument...

I love the One-Minute Writer C. Beth you have a way of making me think. 

I think the argument that stands out in my mind the most took place a little over a year ago. It was in October and I had just lost my job. I had called my friend Sonia to let her know I was losing my apartment and to just have someone to talk too. She had asked me what I was going to do and I told her I didn't know but I would work something out. We talked for awhile and then I told her I had to go so I could start getting things in order. 

A little while later my phone rings and it is Sonia. She says you are moving in with us. I told her no I didn't think it was a good idea. She was like no really it is okay dad and Billy (her husband) are fine with it. I was relieved that I had a place to go. I hung up from talking to her and continued packing.  

Now jump to the day. Sonia calls me and says you can't move in. I was shocked and asked her why what happened? She said she had done a lot of thinking and she didn't want me to live there. To say I was upset is an understatement, I mean how can someone give another person hope then snatch it away like that? We had more than a few words and they were heated, very heated. I reminded her that I hadn't asked her for her help and I had in fact told her i would deal with it myself. She had offered and then took it back. I finally hung up on her and would not answer the phone. She came to my apartment and beat on the door and for a long time i wouldn't let her in. 

Eventually I did let her in and we did talk and i did move in with them (which I eventually wished I hadn't). The argument bit deep into our friendship because I lost my trust in her. We joke about it now but both of us know that damage was done.  She knows that I no longer trust what she tells me. I have always told her and others be careful what you say to others because once it is out of your mouth it can never be taken back.  You can say you are sorry and if you mean that is good, but that doesn't erase what was said.  Words can cut the soul like a knife....

Biography...

I am a little behind on the One-Minute Writer thanks to a nasty stomach bug.  

So if I wrote a biography who would I write it about and why? Several people come to mind but I think i would have too choose my mother. She wasn't always the best mother but looking back now I believe she did the best that she could in a bad situation. As for why? Because I feel she deserves it if I were talented enough to do that. 

She grew up during the great depression and wasn't given many of the choices in life that women are today. She was forced to quit school in the 6th grade in order to work to help her family that were struggling share croppers. She worked in a chicken hatchery for .50 cents an hour and for a woman with no education to speak of that was good wages then. 

It must have been hard for my mom because she was an intelligent woman in many ways. She loved to read and in her own way she continued to learn what she could throughout her life.  She enured two abusive marriages that produced four children. My brother from her first marriage was raised by our grandparents, my oldest sister was in an institution for the mentally retarded because her temper was violent and my mom was afraid she would hurt me and my other sister. 

So me and my next to the oldest sister was raised in a house that was in constant turmoil and at times very abusive. As we got older my mom turned more and more to alcohol to dull her pain and escape a reality that she felt she could never change. That left me and my sister to pretty much fend for ourselves. For awhile I followed my mothers ways of drowning myself in alcohol with a few drugs mixed in. My sister was pregnant at age 15 and then me at age 17. 

At times I think I hated my mother I always felt that she was only concerned with herself but as I look back now I see a woman who had lost all hope. She felt she was stuck in a marriage and a life that she never wanted. Her life was defined by someone other than her and she felt she had always been living a lie but no longer new the truth of who she was. I know she loved us but she just didn't always know how to show it. 

My mom died July 23 1986 just five days short 54 th birthday from complications from Cushings disease. This is to you Momma I love you. 

Why Is It So Hard....

I left my husband two years ago and ever since then people have been trying to get me to find another man. I keep telling them I don't want another man.  They look at me like I am crazy. 

I have had friends tell me "Oh you will never be complete unless you have a man." I am only half a human with out a man or what? Some have said "You won't be happy without someone to share your life with." I have plenty of people to share my life with and I am happy but they never believe it.  Why is it so hard to believe that a person can be happy without a "mate". 

Yes sometimes I miss companionship but not enough to run out looking for a man. I have been married twice and both were abusive and so I just don't want a relationship anymore. Now I know all men are not like that and yes I know there are some really good men out there. However it boils down too 1) I just plain don't want a relationship, and 2) I really don't trust my judgement of men anymore. 

I have found that I do in fact like answering only to myself over how my money is spent. If I want to go to a friends and spend all day there I don't have to worry about someone getting mad at me for it.  If I want to buy something I don't have to ask permission to do so. 

On a deeper level though I don't want someone saying they love me for who i am then spend the next twenty years changing me into something else. I have had enough black eyes, broken ribs, and humiliation to last me a lifetime. Again they say not all men are like that and I agree they aren't but unless I can be given a solid proof the next one won't hurt me then the answer is still no. 

Weather....

Another prompt from the One-Minute Writer. 

The weather here is icky. It isn't cold but it is dull drab and miserable type of weather. it is wet without raining.  Everything is damp and soggy even the concrete is sweating out water.

It is one of those days where you just don't have any motivation. Where you feel tired for no good reason. However I must find morivation somewhere since I have a party to go to later today. 

Wet and Drippy....

That is what it is like outside and miserable. It is that fine mist that makes you feel chilled even though it is not really cold. Makes me want to be back under my nice warm comforter and sleep more. 

So this is what I call a lazy day. I don't feel like doing anything doesn't mean I won't just means I don't want too. I have to call the Art Institute today an order my books. Now it is starting to feel a little more real and a little more scary. 

I have random thoughts going through my head of things like what if I am dumber than I thought? I am asking too much of myself to try to get a bachelors degree at my age? Everyone of course tells me no I am not too old and bless them for that. However by the time I finish this degree I will be in my early 50's. Ah what a time to embark on my first career but I guess better late than never.....right?

Other people said I should go into the health field and not that I do not feel compassion for the sick and injured. I just couldn't do that kind of work and though I am not phobic about getting sick I just prefer to stay clear of contagious people. I spent too many years with my own kids giving me everything from colds to the flu and beyond. 

Some said beauty school and while I don't mind dying my hair and my friends hair.  I can't see myself up to my elbows in chemicals all day every day. So I chose something I knew I would enjoy and that I could do from home. Interactive media and graphic design I have designed a few sites in the past and really enjoyed it. So I figured I should get a degree and hopefully in a few short years be working for myself. 

That is the plan but stay tuned for further developments.....