What a Start to the New Year...

So the New Year has started out with sadness and death. To some it may seem silly or stupid to grieve the passing of a pet but that is their opinion. On the 3rd of Jan my cat Loki was killed by two dogs in our backyard and I am heartbroken and angry.

If this is any indication of what the New year holds for me I want a do over now. I just seem now to be holding my breath and waiting for the other shoe to fall and I thought I was so over having those feelings but it would seem I was mistaken.

Sometimes it feels as if all true happiness will always pass me by and all those around me are living and I am existing. For what I have to wonder? It seems I walk in the shadow of all others. I have time for everyone and yet they seldom go out of their way to make time for me. What was a put here for? It seems to be to serve others and that is not always bad. However sometimes I would like someone to take the initiative and serve me to be there when I need them and not wait until it is convenient for them to do so.

I know they have lives, spouses, children, and other obligations but does it really hurt so much to go out of the way for me now and then? It is like this with friends and family. I call them, they seldom if ever call me. I e-mail them they seldom if ever e-mail me why is this so hard? Am I so unimportant to all those in my life? If I am why do they keep me around? The answer is simple I have been and will be there when they call me, or need me.

Yes I know that makes it partly my own fault but the simple truth is no one can go through life without people around them and I love them.

Why?

Why is it when you ask someone to help you with something they have to turn around and make you feel like a piece of shit because they said yes. Why can't people just be honest and say no it might sting but at least they were honest.

I hate being made to feel like an ass because I ask them to do what they said they would. I hate crying because they get pissed at me because they said yes. I hate feeling like the jerk for expecting them to stick to their word.

They do not have to worry I will finish this on my own I refuse to feel this way again I would rather fail.

Why?

This little box I am in the process of painting tomorrow it will have the kanji symbol for tiger painted on the front by my roommate. So early I showed the box to his wife and the first words out of her mouth was "That looks horrendous!" It pissed me off I mean fine if she does not like it but horrendous? Really?

Now I can take being criticized as an artist you have to but I mean to just out and out say it looks horrendous to me was just plain rude and down right mean. The only other thing she said was she did not like the gold dry brushed over the black. That black and gold do not go together. I was taken back by that and I guess someone better talk to every ancient Chinese, Japanese, etc artist because they used gold on black often.

So opinions please...and remember it is not quite done.

Frustration...

How do you get someone to see the things that they do that at times makes them unbearable to be around? That is my million dollar question in the wee hours of the morning. You see I have this friend and she can be sweet, kind, loving, and really fun to be with ... well that is until her other side comes crawling out and it is happening more and more.

She can be so rude and crass, vain and so literally stuck on herself that is nauseating, and a multitude of other very unattractive things. Yet when anyone calls her on these things she will either blatantly deny them (no matter if you have proof or not), or she will make excuses for the behavior and blame it on someone else altogether. So really how do you get through such pig headedness?

It Has Been Awhile...

Sometimes life just gets busy and other times I just get lazy. Some relationships have changed in my life which has kept me speechless for awhile not knowing what to say about them.

My daughter is no longer a part of my life and this of course is by her choice for reasons that I do not understand at all. She seems to believe that she had a horrible childhood and no one in the family agrees with that but there you have it. My son had anger issues over my leaving the area to move to another state but he has come to terms at least to some degree.

On a happier note I went again to A-kon in Dallas Texas with my friend again this year and we had a blast as always. For those that do not know A-kon is an anime convention and anime is Japanese animation mostly aimed at adults, and young adults.

My sister seems to finally be moving on in life she has found a man that seems quite in love with her and treats her well and I am very happy for her. People ask me why I don't look for someone again and well frankly it is something I no longer want at least not bad enough to risk being hurt again.

I am still in college into my second year now and it is amazing to think that I have come this far even after having a stroke. I do plan on going for another degree after this one but in what I am not sure. Maybe photography so that I can become even better at that.

Why Is It So Hard...

To get help? On June 12th I had a stroke, found out I have high blood pressure, diabetes, my back is falling apart and yet no one will help me. I am suppose to be taking Plavix to prevent another stroke but I have no income (since I am not able to work) and it costs like $171.00 for a month supply. I applied for medicaid they say I don't qualify for medicaid. Now mind you if I was addicted to crack and was toting ten kids they would lay out the red carpet. It makes me sick and it pisses me off that they make it so hard to get help. Why is it that people that are totally lazy and refuse to do a thing for themselves the government falls all over themselves to help them, pamper them, and not make them work for anything even though the majority of them are healthy enough to work.

I had such high hopes when President Obama took office but now I feel with him as I did with all the others before him. I am not holding my breath on any changes to healthcare. Seriously he is talking about healthcare insurance that you buy through the government. Well that is fine for those that have an income Mr. President but what about those of us that don't, that aren't addicted to crack, that don't have ten kids, and are no longer able to work? Do we get shoved into the cracks once again?

Having A Stroke Sucks...

On June 11th I had a moderate stroke to the back of my brain. This part of the brain is what controls balance as I found out. I was sitting on the patio talking to my roommates when my world literally in my head started to tumble and fall. That was vertigo and if you ever experience it go to a doctor asap. Then the vomiting started and lasted between 6 and 8 hours and you talk about hell.

Once they had me stable they took an MRI and found a blood clot in the back of my brain. After further testing it was also discovered that I have diabetes and high blood pressure. In just a couple of weeks my life has changed so much. I now take 5 different medications, and stick my fingers 3 times a day for blood sugar, I eat according to a schedule, and my diet has changed drastically. It however could be worse...I could be dead.

A Tribute to Molly...

Who is Molly you might ask...she was the dog that lived next door. She just died tonight and all alone. This dog spent 99.9 % of her time alone. Food at least every other day and water. The ocassional pat on the head and that was all Molly was allowed from her humans for affection. The only companion she had was taken from hert a year ago. 

The worst part is she was a great dog. She hardly ever barked, she loved children, and anyone she met really. All she ever wanted was to be loved in return, and she did not get. Her humans should feel the deepest shame for ignoring her like she was a tree in the back yard and for making her die alone. 

Rest in Peace dearest Molly...I will miss you. 

Easter...

This is of all holidays my favorite. I love it because it is spring and everything is budding with new life and promise. I love it because it celebrates the day Jesus rose from the dead. 

I don't get into the whole Easter bunny thing but I see nothing wrong with children having Easter baskets or Easter egg hunts. Some yell and say it is pagan. Well maybe centuries ago it was but people (most anyway) have no clue what a pagan is let alone their religion. Now it is about having fun seeing children smile and laugh.

Of course they should be taught the real reason for the holiday especially if you are Christian. But do let your children have fun on this day. It was not meant to be a gloomy holiday no matter how you look at it. It is a time of rebirth which should make anyone happy. It is celebrating Jesus rising from the dead and that should also be a time to celebrate and be happy. So all of you out that that whine and complin stop it and have some good clean fun. 

Another Class Done...

Now I can breath for nine days before starting my next class. I finished with an A and  that made me happy. 

What did I learn? Well the class was Computer Literacy and so I learned that I really and truly hate Microsoft Excel. I am sorry Microsoft but I do and I will always hate it and spread sheets too while I am at it. I don't get it and to be honest I don't want to get it. 

I also learned that I am better with a computer than I thought I was. I found out that I am better at graphic design than I thought I was. I was amazed to learn that others thought I was a great photographer. I was always being asked by other students if I did photography for a living. However it is a hobby, always has been a hobby and most likely will remain a hobby. I enjoy it way too much to ever want it to be like a job. I like taking pictures of what I want when I want. 

My next class is Transitional English and so it should be enjoyable. I have always like English and studying the written word and I do love to write whenever I can. I really thought that going back to school at my age was going to be super difficult. Although it hasn't been super easy I found that I still have plenty of love for learning new things and being challenged. So far it has been a very positive experience and hopefully it will remain so. 

Is it Just Me....

Has anyone ever said something very negative to you that just won't leave your mind. No matter how much others say it isn't true? 

I have this friend and she has a very bad habit of saying things without giving much thought to it. Then she apologizes like crazy when it comes back to bite her. I have told her many many times that no matter how much you say i am sorry it doesn't erase what was said or done. 

I lived with her and her husband twice. The second time was right after losing a job and I had no where else to go. She was the one at first that insisted that I move in. Then later calls me too say no i can't move in because she doesn't want me too. This caused me to explode because I was already under a ton of pressure. I did end up moving in with them and let me tell you it was a nightmare. I knew I was not wanted there so as soon as I found another job I moved out. 

This made her mad at me and I was like wait you didn't want me there to start with and now you are mad because I left. I now live with my best friend his wife and their son. I am never made to feel bad here I help and I am helped because that is what friends do. I lost my job again and they have never not once made me feel bad.  While my other friend writes on Myspace that I take unfair advantage of those closest too me. 

No I never took advantage of them. I helped around the house and I stay out of their way as much as possible. I gave them what money I could. It is just that I tend to treat people as they treat me. The people I live with now treat me like family. I spoil them both as much as I can and that is because they don't take things out on me, and they don't make me feel like I am a burden to them.  So in other words I give what I get. 

It Seems Like Forever....

Since I posted here. School takes up a great deal of my time now. Plus I am still sick and that is very tiring. 

School is going great. I have my first 6 assignments in and 3 of them have been graded all with 100%. This makes me happy. 

It has been 15 years since I took classes of any kind so knowing I can still do well boosts my self-esteem a lot. 

So I will make it a point to post more often even if they are shorter posts than normal. 

Senses....

Ah this prompt strikes me in a hard way. I have severe vision problems I see double everything without my glasses. Even with my glasses things like the moon are still doubled.  I have a cataract in one eye and lense problems in both eyes. The fact is I am slowly going blind. 

My eye doctor says that I may not go fully blind as long as I keep up on my eye exams, don't develop diabetes, or high blood peassure. Lovely to know since I have both in my family. 

I really think I could lose any of my senses but sight and hearing. I love reading and being on the internet and I cannot imagine life without either. I also love music and don't even want to imagine life without it.

Waiting...

I am waiting to start my classes at the Art Institute of Pittsburgh. I am excited and terrified all at the same time. This however is a dream come true for me as I honestly thought I would never be able to attend college again let alone a university. 

I will soon start my journey towards a bachelors degree in interactive media and graphic design. I have dabbled with web design in the past and I really enjoyed it a lot. It is a good way for me to have a career that I control. 

Drive...

I am a little behind again in the prompts from the One-Minute Writer but this is a good one. 

My most memorable drive took place a little over 2 years ago. It was the day I left my husband of nearly 20 years. It was a bad marriage and had been for many years. I stayed because I had no where else to go but that changed in Aug of 2006. I came to visit my friends in San Antonio Texas. They knew my home life was horrible and immediately started working on me to leave and move in with them. I admitted I was scared I had always lived in Illinois except for a few months me and my mom lived in Minnesota. So I told them I had to go back but I would think about it. 

When I went home things went from bad to worse. So I secretly saved my money and when I had enough I told him I was leaving. I packed what I could fit in my van, with map in hand I left.  It was around 1000 miles from where I lived to San Antonio. It took me two days of driving to get here driving around 500 miles a day. I got lost three times on my way here and I must say it was quite the adventure. 

That drive will always stick out in my mind for several reasons. On the top of the list because I have never driven or been so far from home. Two I have never traveled alone to any place that wasn't considered local. Three it showed me my inner strength and that I can do things that are hard and scary and no I don't always have to rely on others. 

I saw many sights on the way here that I will probably never see again but will always live in my memories. When I am able to go home for a visit I will fly as I am never making that drive again at least not alone. 

Recap...

It has been a roller coaster of a year for me. I had hoped to make amends with my son but that never happened as he is stubborn and still will not talk to me. I gained a job  and lost a job. Changed where i live yet again but I am happier here. 

I saw my family through another great flood on the Mississippi river and saw the strength of my own daughter to face a disaster and come out the other side happy. I saw my own dreams dashed and then rebuilt in another direction. I have been insulted by a person that was suppose to be my friend. Made her also see by the way of others that her logic was very flawed indeed. 

I have found out over this past year who my truest friends are and who is not. I have found that is possible to be friends with your husband at 1000 miles distance. I have found that I have strength I never knew was there and that it is okay to be afraid of the unknown so long as that fear doesn't stop me from seeking what i want. 

I have been reminded that people indeed can be very two faced and treat you one way to your face while talking crap behind your back. As in the case of Sonia's father-in-law when he is all sorry to my face that I lost my job, then asks her what I did wrong to be fired. When in fact i did nothing wrong.

I have come to the realization that I am a very cynical person. I am not an unhappy person as I have said before I live, love, and laugh a lot. It is just that I see people  and the world in a very cynical way. I don't trust most people and a great deal of them really annoy me. Most humans are like sheep and believe everything they are spoon fed by the media and the government and never think for themselves. I have come to the conculsion that I can live my life like this so long as i do not become bitter. 

These are some of the things I have learned over the past year. I am sure there is more but I really don't want to write a book. 

The Best...

Another good writing prompt from the One-Minute Writer.

I have a great love for children and animals but since I can pick only one I think animal rescue. Right now I am going to school for a bachelors degree and once I am finished and I find good employment I plan on helping with animal rescue. 

My dream would be to be the best at finding solutions to stray animals. To give them shelter and not have to fear them being put to sleep. To help find even better ways to help pet owners get help with spaying, nuetering, and for those without much income help with pet vet bills. 

I would also like to have the best shelter ever. That would not turn away animals or have to charge fees to take them in. Children and animals should never be thrown away. 

Argument...

I love the One-Minute Writer C. Beth you have a way of making me think. 

I think the argument that stands out in my mind the most took place a little over a year ago. It was in October and I had just lost my job. I had called my friend Sonia to let her know I was losing my apartment and to just have someone to talk too. She had asked me what I was going to do and I told her I didn't know but I would work something out. We talked for awhile and then I told her I had to go so I could start getting things in order. 

A little while later my phone rings and it is Sonia. She says you are moving in with us. I told her no I didn't think it was a good idea. She was like no really it is okay dad and Billy (her husband) are fine with it. I was relieved that I had a place to go. I hung up from talking to her and continued packing.  

Now jump to the day. Sonia calls me and says you can't move in. I was shocked and asked her why what happened? She said she had done a lot of thinking and she didn't want me to live there. To say I was upset is an understatement, I mean how can someone give another person hope then snatch it away like that? We had more than a few words and they were heated, very heated. I reminded her that I hadn't asked her for her help and I had in fact told her i would deal with it myself. She had offered and then took it back. I finally hung up on her and would not answer the phone. She came to my apartment and beat on the door and for a long time i wouldn't let her in. 

Eventually I did let her in and we did talk and i did move in with them (which I eventually wished I hadn't). The argument bit deep into our friendship because I lost my trust in her. We joke about it now but both of us know that damage was done.  She knows that I no longer trust what she tells me. I have always told her and others be careful what you say to others because once it is out of your mouth it can never be taken back.  You can say you are sorry and if you mean that is good, but that doesn't erase what was said.  Words can cut the soul like a knife....

Biography...

I am a little behind on the One-Minute Writer thanks to a nasty stomach bug.  

So if I wrote a biography who would I write it about and why? Several people come to mind but I think i would have too choose my mother. She wasn't always the best mother but looking back now I believe she did the best that she could in a bad situation. As for why? Because I feel she deserves it if I were talented enough to do that. 

She grew up during the great depression and wasn't given many of the choices in life that women are today. She was forced to quit school in the 6th grade in order to work to help her family that were struggling share croppers. She worked in a chicken hatchery for .50 cents an hour and for a woman with no education to speak of that was good wages then. 

It must have been hard for my mom because she was an intelligent woman in many ways. She loved to read and in her own way she continued to learn what she could throughout her life.  She enured two abusive marriages that produced four children. My brother from her first marriage was raised by our grandparents, my oldest sister was in an institution for the mentally retarded because her temper was violent and my mom was afraid she would hurt me and my other sister. 

So me and my next to the oldest sister was raised in a house that was in constant turmoil and at times very abusive. As we got older my mom turned more and more to alcohol to dull her pain and escape a reality that she felt she could never change. That left me and my sister to pretty much fend for ourselves. For awhile I followed my mothers ways of drowning myself in alcohol with a few drugs mixed in. My sister was pregnant at age 15 and then me at age 17. 

At times I think I hated my mother I always felt that she was only concerned with herself but as I look back now I see a woman who had lost all hope. She felt she was stuck in a marriage and a life that she never wanted. Her life was defined by someone other than her and she felt she had always been living a lie but no longer new the truth of who she was. I know she loved us but she just didn't always know how to show it. 

My mom died July 23 1986 just five days short 54 th birthday from complications from Cushings disease. This is to you Momma I love you. 

Why Is It So Hard....

I left my husband two years ago and ever since then people have been trying to get me to find another man. I keep telling them I don't want another man.  They look at me like I am crazy. 

I have had friends tell me "Oh you will never be complete unless you have a man." I am only half a human with out a man or what? Some have said "You won't be happy without someone to share your life with." I have plenty of people to share my life with and I am happy but they never believe it.  Why is it so hard to believe that a person can be happy without a "mate". 

Yes sometimes I miss companionship but not enough to run out looking for a man. I have been married twice and both were abusive and so I just don't want a relationship anymore. Now I know all men are not like that and yes I know there are some really good men out there. However it boils down too 1) I just plain don't want a relationship, and 2) I really don't trust my judgement of men anymore. 

I have found that I do in fact like answering only to myself over how my money is spent. If I want to go to a friends and spend all day there I don't have to worry about someone getting mad at me for it.  If I want to buy something I don't have to ask permission to do so. 

On a deeper level though I don't want someone saying they love me for who i am then spend the next twenty years changing me into something else. I have had enough black eyes, broken ribs, and humiliation to last me a lifetime. Again they say not all men are like that and I agree they aren't but unless I can be given a solid proof the next one won't hurt me then the answer is still no.