What a Start to the New Year...

So the New Year has started out with sadness and death. To some it may seem silly or stupid to grieve the passing of a pet but that is their opinion. On the 3rd of Jan my cat Loki was killed by two dogs in our backyard and I am heartbroken and angry.

If this is any indication of what the New year holds for me I want a do over now. I just seem now to be holding my breath and waiting for the other shoe to fall and I thought I was so over having those feelings but it would seem I was mistaken.

Sometimes it feels as if all true happiness will always pass me by and all those around me are living and I am existing. For what I have to wonder? It seems I walk in the shadow of all others. I have time for everyone and yet they seldom go out of their way to make time for me. What was a put here for? It seems to be to serve others and that is not always bad. However sometimes I would like someone to take the initiative and serve me to be there when I need them and not wait until it is convenient for them to do so.

I know they have lives, spouses, children, and other obligations but does it really hurt so much to go out of the way for me now and then? It is like this with friends and family. I call them, they seldom if ever call me. I e-mail them they seldom if ever e-mail me why is this so hard? Am I so unimportant to all those in my life? If I am why do they keep me around? The answer is simple I have been and will be there when they call me, or need me.

Yes I know that makes it partly my own fault but the simple truth is no one can go through life without people around them and I love them.

Why?

Why is it when you ask someone to help you with something they have to turn around and make you feel like a piece of shit because they said yes. Why can't people just be honest and say no it might sting but at least they were honest.

I hate being made to feel like an ass because I ask them to do what they said they would. I hate crying because they get pissed at me because they said yes. I hate feeling like the jerk for expecting them to stick to their word.

They do not have to worry I will finish this on my own I refuse to feel this way again I would rather fail.

Why?

This little box I am in the process of painting tomorrow it will have the kanji symbol for tiger painted on the front by my roommate. So early I showed the box to his wife and the first words out of her mouth was "That looks horrendous!" It pissed me off I mean fine if she does not like it but horrendous? Really?

Now I can take being criticized as an artist you have to but I mean to just out and out say it looks horrendous to me was just plain rude and down right mean. The only other thing she said was she did not like the gold dry brushed over the black. That black and gold do not go together. I was taken back by that and I guess someone better talk to every ancient Chinese, Japanese, etc artist because they used gold on black often.

So opinions please...and remember it is not quite done.

Frustration...

How do you get someone to see the things that they do that at times makes them unbearable to be around? That is my million dollar question in the wee hours of the morning. You see I have this friend and she can be sweet, kind, loving, and really fun to be with ... well that is until her other side comes crawling out and it is happening more and more.

She can be so rude and crass, vain and so literally stuck on herself that is nauseating, and a multitude of other very unattractive things. Yet when anyone calls her on these things she will either blatantly deny them (no matter if you have proof or not), or she will make excuses for the behavior and blame it on someone else altogether. So really how do you get through such pig headedness?

It Has Been Awhile...

Sometimes life just gets busy and other times I just get lazy. Some relationships have changed in my life which has kept me speechless for awhile not knowing what to say about them.

My daughter is no longer a part of my life and this of course is by her choice for reasons that I do not understand at all. She seems to believe that she had a horrible childhood and no one in the family agrees with that but there you have it. My son had anger issues over my leaving the area to move to another state but he has come to terms at least to some degree.

On a happier note I went again to A-kon in Dallas Texas with my friend again this year and we had a blast as always. For those that do not know A-kon is an anime convention and anime is Japanese animation mostly aimed at adults, and young adults.

My sister seems to finally be moving on in life she has found a man that seems quite in love with her and treats her well and I am very happy for her. People ask me why I don't look for someone again and well frankly it is something I no longer want at least not bad enough to risk being hurt again.

I am still in college into my second year now and it is amazing to think that I have come this far even after having a stroke. I do plan on going for another degree after this one but in what I am not sure. Maybe photography so that I can become even better at that.

Why Is It So Hard...

To get help? On June 12th I had a stroke, found out I have high blood pressure, diabetes, my back is falling apart and yet no one will help me. I am suppose to be taking Plavix to prevent another stroke but I have no income (since I am not able to work) and it costs like $171.00 for a month supply. I applied for medicaid they say I don't qualify for medicaid. Now mind you if I was addicted to crack and was toting ten kids they would lay out the red carpet. It makes me sick and it pisses me off that they make it so hard to get help. Why is it that people that are totally lazy and refuse to do a thing for themselves the government falls all over themselves to help them, pamper them, and not make them work for anything even though the majority of them are healthy enough to work.

I had such high hopes when President Obama took office but now I feel with him as I did with all the others before him. I am not holding my breath on any changes to healthcare. Seriously he is talking about healthcare insurance that you buy through the government. Well that is fine for those that have an income Mr. President but what about those of us that don't, that aren't addicted to crack, that don't have ten kids, and are no longer able to work? Do we get shoved into the cracks once again?

Having A Stroke Sucks...

On June 11th I had a moderate stroke to the back of my brain. This part of the brain is what controls balance as I found out. I was sitting on the patio talking to my roommates when my world literally in my head started to tumble and fall. That was vertigo and if you ever experience it go to a doctor asap. Then the vomiting started and lasted between 6 and 8 hours and you talk about hell.

Once they had me stable they took an MRI and found a blood clot in the back of my brain. After further testing it was also discovered that I have diabetes and high blood pressure. In just a couple of weeks my life has changed so much. I now take 5 different medications, and stick my fingers 3 times a day for blood sugar, I eat according to a schedule, and my diet has changed drastically. It however could be worse...I could be dead.